I think everyone has that moment. That desperate, “I just cannot take this anymore.” Are you strong or stupid if you keep pushing past this limit?
I used to think I was being strong and independent when I tried to deal with my ED by myself. Even now, I have been purge free for 3 months, I struggle with binging. My natural hunger cues have just never come back and I definitely fell into depression moving home with my parents, at community college for a semester with like two friends around, dealing with this new (and ever expanding) body I’m in. I still hate myself, like all the time. I put on this façade that I’m great, happy, confident, self-love and body-acceptance. And I am. But for some reason it applies to any and everyone but me! I still stare and hate myself. I pick apart every little piece of myself. “God, could my thighs be any bigger, why are my boobs so small, why am I so short, why is the shape of my face so chubby/rectangular, why are my eyes so small and brown,” it goes on and on every day.
And so every day I obsess. I obsess over food and fitness and my flaws and everyone else’s lack of flaws. I am a child of God and believe He made everyone perfectly in His divine image and yet, I can’t convince myself that the same is true for me. I still compare myself to other women, especially the sickly skinny ones whom I can tell are crawling in their skin with their own self-depreciation and I get jealous. No really, I get upset that I no longer weigh seventy-something pounds, have chunks of hair falling out of my scalp, am constantly freezing, angry, dizzy, and emotional. Apparently it is worth it to me. At least I would look good in clothes and be fashionable again, because apparently in my new body I can only wear leggings and t-shirts, though I love stalking fashion blogs and sites. So I restrict and binge and obsess and am still paralyzed by my orthorexic tendencies. I pride myself on days I subside on fruits, vegetables, and raw chocolate only.
This is a real illness my friends. This is something I comprehend and try to change every day and still cannot convince myself that I have an ounce of worth. Because of this I have decided I will be going to an in-patient facility at the end of the semester. I never went during my anorexia, bulimia, orthorexia, exercise addiction cycles but this new depression that has accompanied the orthorexia and now binging is too great a burden to bare. I can’t fix myself. My parents have tried what they can but like anyone, they have their own issues. They don’t know what to do or how to help; even I don’t at this phase. Therapy isn’t helpful anymore.
My point is that I may hate myself, but I value the life God gave me and will not waste it any longer. I have been blessed with immeasurable gifts and graces and love and will not waste the gifts I have on this Earth. I will do what I have to in order to recover and become the successful and positive woman I am capable of.
- Tell someone. This is so scary, I know. But the people that love you just want to help. They will not judge you and will support you.
- See a dietician/therapist (I had both for 3.5 years during my weight restoration and recovery) I think this is vital. I have friends with ED’s who are exactly where they were 4 years ago because they honestly think they’re ok.
- Find a healthy way to cope. Knitting, tennis, piano, my dogs, work. This is how I cope. Find what distracts/helps you.
- Delete social media. Seriously the biggest thing in my opinion! Especially Instagram! All it is is bloggers and thinspos and fitspos and beauty and unnattainable leisure. How do you NOT compare yourself?! One thing I firmly believe is bio-individuality. We all need different amounts and types of food, exercise, rest, etc. This helped immensely in recovery from anorexia and bulimia for me (and especially exercise addiction.)
- Do you need to go to a resident facility? I do, ad I’m excited. No really, I researched this place, called them and talked to them and feel confident in their values and approach. Google ED treatment facilities in your state and do some research. Think you can’t afford it? I bet you can! I am a college student and have parents going through a pricey divorce and my sister just had a baby($). I get it, but check with the facility about which insurances they take. Most of these facilities want you there and take a lot of different policies and agencies. They want you to get better and work hard to make it affordable.
This ended up being a random and very rambly post so I apologize! But these tips are truly what have helped me come as far as I have! Wishing you all love, light, and happiness! You deserve the best!