Ahimsa

Ahimsa is the sanskrit word for non-harming.

It was the number one reason I went vegan (actually the ONLY reason at the time! I was 14 hah!) That spiraled out of control for me though and I began eating less and less and pretty much only veggies with the occasional raw chocolate, low GI fruit, maybe some nuts or avocado. I finally thought I had gotten over that and learned to be kinder to myself. To allow myself some room to eat carrot cake and pizza and even an occasional certified humane pastured-raise egg if my body truly needed it. I got rid of labels and just learned to listen to my own body, instead of everyone else.

My depression got better, I was happy, motivated, sleeping well, and felt like my old self again. But it didn’t last long. Until five minutes ago when I had the most wonderful phone conversation with my mom, I had been in my darkest place yet. At the local community college, tredging through, pretending I was ok. My parents had no idea that for the last three weeks on my “way to school” I really pulled over in a parking lot en route and just balle my eyes out. I haven’t slept in those three weeks or gone to class. I tried. I tried so hard, but couldn’t make myself. I turned to food again, to quell the guilt and anxiety. I have been binging on sweet, indulgent, creamy food that temporarily made me feel better, only to have the opiate-like effects wear off in an hour and desperately needing a distraction from the misery of my routine that I did it again. I didn’t even make the connection, between food and school until yesterday to be quite frank. Why yesterday? I was about to leave for class so I had breakfast, which turned into our whole fridge and half our pantry and I finally purged. I just could not breathe I was so stuffed. After five and a half months I had “failed.”

This type of school is not for me. It is an hour drive both ways, filled with the most insane and ludicrous people, a fair amount of inept professor’s, and quite frankly I just HATED it. I was waking up every week day dreading the day ahead. It got so bad I have developed horrible GI problems and literally everything I eat makes me bloat and doesn’t sit right or get digested; because my sympathetic nervous sytem is ALWAYS going, not giving my enteric nervous sytem a chance to digest! My anxiety is all day and every day.

I have decided to do what my heart wants. What makes me excited to wake up and learn about every day. I still feel like a failure. Not because school isn’t for me, as much as the fact that I know when I tell my father he will be so disapointed. He is the most inspiring and wonderful man who has given me more than I could ever want and need, but he is a traditionalist and I know he will be embarrassed and furious for me withdrawing. I feel like a failure because my depression is bigger than the drive and desire to make him proud. I feel like a failure for not sticking it out for him. I hope one day to make him proud and to be makong things easier on them, not harder.

And in this moment that I feel like I have failed my dad, I must practice ahimsa towards myself.

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