Ahimsa is the sanskrit word for non-harming.

It was the number one reason I went vegan (actually the ONLY reason at the time! I was 14 hah!) That spiraled out of control for me though and I began eating less and less and pretty much only veggies with the occasional raw chocolate, low GI fruit, maybe some nuts or avocado. I finally thought I had gotten over that and learned to be kinder to myself. To allow myself some room to eat carrot cake and pizza and even an occasional certified humane pastured-raise egg if my body truly needed it. I got rid of labels and just learned to listen to my own body, instead of everyone else.

My depression got better, I was happy, motivated, sleeping well, and felt like my old self again. But it didn’t last long. Until five minutes ago when I had the most wonderful phone conversation with my mom, I had been in my darkest place yet. At the local community college, tredging through, pretending I was ok. My parents had no idea that for the last three weeks on my “way to school” I really pulled over in a parking lot en route and just balle my eyes out. I haven’t slept in those three weeks or gone to class. I tried. I tried so hard, but couldn’t make myself. I turned to food again, to quell the guilt and anxiety. I have been binging on sweet, indulgent, creamy food that temporarily made me feel better, only to have the opiate-like effects wear off in an hour and desperately needing a distraction from the misery of my routine that I did it again. I didn’t even make the connection, between food and school until yesterday to be quite frank. Why yesterday? I was about to leave for class so I had breakfast, which turned into our whole fridge and half our pantry and I finally purged. I just could not breathe I was so stuffed. After five and a half months I had “failed.”

This type of school is not for me. It is an hour drive both ways, filled with the most insane and ludicrous people, a fair amount of inept professor’s, and quite frankly I just HATED it. I was waking up every week day dreading the day ahead. It got so bad I have developed horrible GI problems and literally everything I eat makes me bloat and doesn’t sit right or get digested; because my sympathetic nervous sytem is ALWAYS going, not giving my enteric nervous sytem a chance to digest! My anxiety is all day and every day.

I have decided to do what my heart wants. What makes me excited to wake up and learn about every day. I still feel like a failure. Not because school isn’t for me, as much as the fact that I know when I tell my father he will be so disapointed. He is the most inspiring and wonderful man who has given me more than I could ever want and need, but he is a traditionalist and I know he will be embarrassed and furious for me withdrawing. I feel like a failure because my depression is bigger than the drive and desire to make him proud. I feel like a failure for not sticking it out for him. I hope one day to make him proud and to be makong things easier on them, not harder.

And in this moment that I feel like I have failed my dad, I must practice ahimsa towards myself.


I Will What I Want

Not exactly a novel idea right? Yet it seems to be something we (myself included) forget. “Ugh, this is impossible, I’ll always be this way. I can’t overcome it.” Well gee, not with that attitude my friend!

I genuinely believe we can make things harder or easier on ourselves just by our outlook on it. If you decide it’s going to be impossible to love yourself and just give up on positive body image, you’ve nailed your coffin as far as I’m concerned.

I recently hung out with a friend who has suffered from depression and her own ED (strictly anorexia.) We have been friends since sophomore year of high school when we both became “home-schooled” and try as we might, we just clash. We used to clash because we fed off of each other. We were both drastically underweight and in the midst of exercise and food comparison. Now, after all these years, we still clash. Why? Because I may still have leaps and bound to go until I’m completely free of my shackles, but I am nowhere near where I used to be. She is. She is exactly as she was all of those years ago. She avoids food, is always hanging out away from home so that she cannot eat, and exercising to burn calories. She even said to me, “I know this is something I’ll just always have. Jesus gave me this and I must always live with it.” Excuses. Nothing makes me more upset than excuses. It shocked me how, as a devoted Christian, she used the Lord as an excuse to let her stop eating any time something minor happened. Because of this, we had to cut ties. I pray for her and still think she’s an amazing person, but to have such a source of negativity and the opposite of what I need in my life right now. Selfish, right? Well it’s about time we are a little selfish. People (I think women especially) feel the need to give and give and put everyone above themselves all the time until we reach a breaking point.

But guess what? Unlike my friend I refuse to believe I can’t beat this and I refuse the idea that I must always live with this. I get so down on myself sometimes when I have skipped exercise for a week and been a hermit and maybe overate way too much, but that doesn’t help me move forward. I look back and remember that girl I was. I remember being afraid my heart would stop beating in the middle of the night and I’d never see my family again. I remember sobbing and profusely apologizing to God for wasting so many blessings on me.

But I’m not her. I have lasting health effects from knowing her. I am a completely different person thanks to her. Someone I’m proud of. I definitely still struggle with self-love and feeling worthy but I have come so far and am so grateful for the journey. I remember feeling like I could never change but day by day, small changes would happen. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and realized I made me feel this way, no one else did. I decided that the fight was worth it and that I was going all in; And guess what? I’m winning.

Decide. Right now. I want you to decide that you are worth it, your life is so worth it. It is hard but it is possible and damn it is an amazing world. One that you can’t enjoy with your friend Ana tagging along. She’s a party pooper, the one judging you from the corner of the party bus by herself. She doesn’t want to go on the journey with you and thank God for that, kick her off at the next stop and party on my friends. Because you are so worth it. You are beautiful and funny and intelligent and so so special. No one else can be you, how freaking cool is that?! Just decide. That’s all you have to do.

Sorry this turned into a rambly post! I just had a lot of random thoughts come to mind after seeing my old friend. And with that, I encourage you to read the much wittier, funnier, and eloquent Snack Therapy’s post Worth the Weight.

Spread the Love!

I just wanted to do a sort of blog roll of the blogs I find that are not only not triggering, but help me realize balance is attainable (and different even for all of these amazing women!)

Snack Therapy Oh my gosh I love this lady. She says all the things I want to, but funnier, wittier, and just plain better. Just look through some of her hilarious yet true and empowering posts and you’ll laugh and cry and just feel amazing.

PB Fingers Julie is awesome and I have been reading her blog since 2010. She relatable, so sweet, incredibly creative, and healthy. Like for real healthy. She exercises and loves veggies but is not afraid to eat some cheesecake/ice cream/mac and cheese/whatever the hell she wants! She is beautiful inside and out and I love her upbeat attitude and crafty ideas. Also super weird? I lived in NC for 12 years and she lived in FL. She moved to NC and I moved to FL in the same month! SO weird! I love looking at her old blog posts and new ones and realizing I am in both of those areas all the time, it’s fun!

A Healthy Slice of Life: Okay, so I’m not a mom, but I love reading her funny little tidbits and healthy living posts. She is so honest and relatable and her daughters? Absolutely beautiful! I love her posts about her kids oddly enough! (Probably because I just love kids and she is a wonderful writer!)

The Londoner: Ahhh Rosie. This girl appears to live the dream and yet she is so magnetizing/friendly/witty/funny that you aren’t jealous or despising he for living some wildly awesome life. She doesn’t act superior and she is upfront and honest. Her fashion kills me, it is so on point and amazing and the photography is just stunning.

Hummusapien: Alexis is a really amazing RD who is blazing trails. She inspires me in my field of study (also dietetics) to think bigger and more creatively. She is also realistic. She indulges in moderation and doesn’t beat herself up if she misses a workout or eats some ice cream. She’s a total babe and hilarious writer. My only gripe is that as someone who is transitioning away from veganism after 4 years of feeling just sick on the diet, she is super pro vegan. I just don’t believe the same diet works for everyone. She doesn’t shove it down your throat though and isn’t a full vegan herself.

The Real Life RD: Pretty much the same deal as far as being an RD and pushing the vegan thing. I think it is just harder for me because I loved the ethics of this lifestyle and miss it and still struggle not being a vegan. She also will eat eggs or dairy once in a while and isn’t preachy but definitely advocates mostly plants! I adore her heartfelt posts on self-love, the misconception that we need to eat less and move more all the time and other myth-busting posts. She’s a totally superstar who’s back in school , running her nutrition business, and her blog; Somehow she still makes time for relaxing, food prep, and friends and it is totally inspiring.

Bleubird Blog: This is such a wonderful family blog with beautiful pictures and the most gorgeous family! I’ve followed it for a few years and love the different post styles she does!

Basically all of these women do what is best for them and live their life according to how they feel happy and balanced. They’re all so different but awesome and I’ve loved watching some of their blogs take off over the years! Give ’em a click!

Enough is Enough

I think everyone has that moment. That desperate, “I just cannot take this anymore.” Are you strong or stupid if you keep pushing past this limit?

I used to think I was being strong and independent when I tried to deal with my ED by myself. Even now, I have been purge free for 3 months, I struggle with binging. My natural hunger cues have just never come back and I definitely fell into depression moving home with my parents, at community college for a semester with like two friends around, dealing with this new (and ever expanding) body I’m in. I still hate myself, like all the time. I put on this façade that I’m great, happy, confident, self-love and body-acceptance. And I am. But for some reason it applies to any and everyone but me! I still stare and hate myself. I pick apart every little piece of myself. “God, could my thighs be any bigger, why are my boobs so small, why am I so short, why is the shape of my face so chubby/rectangular, why are my eyes so small and brown,” it goes on and on every day.

And so every day I obsess. I obsess over food and fitness and my flaws and everyone else’s lack of flaws. I am a child of God and believe He made everyone perfectly in His divine image and yet, I can’t convince myself that the same is true for me. I still compare myself to other women, especially the sickly skinny ones whom I can tell are crawling in their skin with their own self-depreciation and I get jealous. No really, I get upset that I no longer weigh seventy-something pounds, have chunks of hair falling out of my scalp, am constantly freezing, angry, dizzy, and emotional. Apparently it is worth it to me. At least I would look good in clothes and be fashionable again, because apparently in my new body I can only wear leggings and t-shirts, though I love stalking fashion blogs and sites. So I restrict and binge and obsess and am still paralyzed by my orthorexic tendencies. I pride myself on days I subside on fruits, vegetables, and raw chocolate only.

This is a real illness my friends. This is something I comprehend and try to change every day and still cannot convince myself that I have an ounce of worth. Because of this I have decided I will be going to an in-patient facility at the end of the semester. I never went during my anorexia, bulimia, orthorexia, exercise addiction cycles but this new depression that has accompanied the orthorexia and now binging is too great a burden to bare. I can’t fix myself. My parents have tried what they can but like anyone, they have their own issues. They don’t know what to do or how to help; even I don’t at this phase. Therapy isn’t helpful anymore.

My point is that I may hate myself, but I value the life God gave me and will not waste it any longer. I have been blessed with immeasurable gifts and graces and love and will not waste the gifts I have on this Earth. I will do what I have to in order to recover and become the successful and positive woman I am capable of.


  • Tell someone. This is so scary, I know. But the people that love you just want to help. They will not judge you and will support you.
  • See a dietician/therapist (I had both for 3.5 years during my weight restoration and recovery) I think this is vital. I have friends with ED’s who are exactly where they were 4 years ago because they honestly think they’re ok.
  • Find a healthy way to cope. Knitting, tennis, piano, my dogs, work. This is how I cope. Find what distracts/helps you.
  • Delete social media. Seriously the biggest thing in my opinion! Especially Instagram! All it is is bloggers and thinspos and fitspos and beauty and unnattainable leisure. How do you NOT compare yourself?! One thing I firmly believe is bio-individuality. We all need different amounts and types of food, exercise, rest, etc. This helped immensely in recovery from anorexia and bulimia for me (and especially exercise addiction.)
  • Do you need to go to a resident facility? I do, ad I’m excited. No really, I researched this place, called them and talked to them and feel confident in their values and approach. Google ED treatment facilities in your state and do some research. Think you can’t afford it? I bet you can! I am a college student and have parents going through a pricey divorce and my sister just had a baby($). I get it, but check with the facility about which insurances they take. Most of these facilities want  you there and take a lot of different policies and agencies. They want you to get better and work hard to make it affordable.

This ended up being a random and very rambly post so I apologize! But these tips are truly what have helped me come as far as I have! Wishing you all love, light, and happiness! You deserve the best!

An American Paradox

So if you live in the States, you might’ve noticed the insane health craze going on. It is so ironic to me that a country so obsessed with being healthy is so unhealthy. A shockingly small percentage of America is not overweight or underweight. Why are we so extreme? All you hear about today is obesity and eating disorders! Even some people who maintain a healthy weight (for THEM, bio-individuality my friends) and doesn’t have a classified ED have disordered thoughts about eating, exercising, and “health.”

Let’s look at the facts. We are in a country that demonizes certain things. Some despise fats, some love them. Other people hate carbs or bread or animal products or think too much fruit is bad. I mean there are so many diets and they all contradict. So what’s a girl to do?

KISS! Keep it simple stupid!

1. Europeans are envied in our country. How can they be so slim but eat butter and croissants and all these incredible things? They are eating intuitively. They listen to their bodies and eat real food. They go out one night and have a burger and fries and damn that milkshake was too creamy to pass up. No biggie, they eat it and next time they are hungry, they’re probably craving a salad or something lighter! Our body needs a bit of everything and cutting something out may temporarily work, but it wreaks havoc on your body and on cortisol levels. Also reference babies; they cry when they are hungry, eat/drink until they are full and get on with their day being all cute and smelly.

2. Which brings me to my next point. You stressing out about some indulgent and delicious thing you just ate is worse for you than actually eating it. Our bodies are incredibly smart but when they get stressed, cortisol levels rise and if you are already stressed about kids, work, life, school, etc., the last thing you need is to add more worry on top of that about FOOD! STOP associating food with guilt! It is something our bodies need, it is nourishment and energy!

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3. Butter and bread nourished generations before us, so why are they so demonized now? Well, because it creates a market. Those gluten free bagels you’re noshing on are making a company big bucks (this is not regarding celiacs, but realize, celiacs disease affects less than 1% of the population.) The second reason is the source these days. The USA has unfortunately been promoting GMO’s and companies like Monsanto are taking over (thanks Obama!) and infiltrating our crops. This is a whole other post, but GMO’s are bad, good nourishing whole foods are not.

4. BIO-INDI-FREAKING-VIDUALITY! We.are.all.different. You can try and look like a friend/model/figment of your imagination but there is no point. I have had friends that always ask me what I have eaten that day and when I tell them, they’re amazed. What doesn’t seem like a lot of food to me is about 2-3 times what most of them eat (and I’m the shortest one.) This used to bother me so much and I tried cutting back to what they ate. Guess where that got me? Dizzy, angry, and unproductive and it definitely wouldn’t have helped weight loss efforts if that was the goal!

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“Comparison is the thief of joy,” Theodore Roosevelt


link for pictures:



Hello There!

Welcome! I’m assuming this post may never even get views as this blog is obscure currently. It’s in a sea of millions of other wonderful blogs filling the expansive sea of internet literature. I am finally taking this leap though. I’m not sure if anyone will ever read any of my posts, but I need to share. Warning: I am in no way shape or form a phenomenal (or even a good) writer, but if this little corner of the internet just helps one person, I’m okay with that.



So whats this all about anyways? Well I don’t have an exact structure I plan on following yet, but generally health, fitness, eco-friendly beauty, possibly animal cruelty/advocate type stuff, and most importantly ED recover. It’s a very intense and difficult battle I myself have faced, and have found pieces of wisdom that have truly helped my recovery and I just need to tell someone struggling who needs help what I have learned. I need to be an advocate for ED recovery, because this cannot go on. It can not keep growing at a staggering rate and it certainly can’t continue to claim the lives of intelligent and beautiful women (and men!) I want this to be an outlet and a safe space that people can come and talk to me when they just feel like no one else will listen. It can be so frustrating trying to relate to someone who has never experienced addiction, especially in this form and therefore can strain relationships and only frustrate us further. 



I hope if your reading this, you’ll stick with me. My mantra? Instead of being a health freak, be a life freak. It will change your life forever in the best way possible, I promise.


Disclaimer: As much as I’d love to think I’m a professional, considering the amount of research and reading I do, I am not a registered dietitian (yet) but I will do my best to break down myths behind nutrition with the help of my nutritionist!