Obligatory Green Smoothie Recipe

Why obligatory? Well what lifestyle (even fashion or home) blog do you know that doesn’t have a billion variations of the almighty GS? This is my go-to though. It’s rich and creamy and indulgent. I’m not a fruit-smoothie kinda gal. I’d rather eat my fruit and drink a mylkshake!

So without further ado, here is my every day healthy mylkshake (still a green smoothie!) recipe!

Serves 1:

• 1 frozen RIPE banana
• Roughly half a cup frozen zucchini (trust me! I’ve done this for years and it’s incredible)
• Fresh leafy greens of choice (If you do frozen greens, make sure at least half of your banana is not frozen, it will be really icy and not as creamy/dreamy if all these components are frozen)
• Half a cup of thai young coconut flesh (sub: 1-2 tbs nutbutter, chia seed gel, half an avocado)
• 1 medjool date
• Optional: cacao powder, vanilla extract, sweetner of choice, protein powder

I put the non frozen components in first and blend that up, if you do this first, you don’t have to use as much liquid which results in the creamy-spoon-worthy-needs-a-bowl type of smoothie that I personally love! So through in whichever component is not frozen and a tad of almond/cashew/coconut/unicorn mylk or water you want and then add the frozen zucchini. Once that has blended a little, add the frozen banana (or spinach if you used fresh banana) and lastly add in powders, magic potions, and sweetners!

Above is the most simple you’ll ever see one of my smoothies. I normally am a wild toppings girl and add berries, nut butter, all the seeds, goji berries, mulberries, another date chopped up, and as pictured above, coconut oil “magic shell”. I just stir melted coconut oil and cacao with a dash of maple syrup and pour onto the smoothie, then stick it in the fridge for a minute to harden! Who needs a milkshake when you’ve got this bad boy!?

PS! I’ve been having major tummy troubles lately and this is literally one of the only things that DOESN’T hurt my belly!

Ahimsa

Ahimsa is the sanskrit word for non-harming.

It was the number one reason I went vegan (actually the ONLY reason at the time! I was 14 hah!) That spiraled out of control for me though and I began eating less and less and pretty much only veggies with the occasional raw chocolate, low GI fruit, maybe some nuts or avocado. I finally thought I had gotten over that and learned to be kinder to myself. To allow myself some room to eat carrot cake and pizza and even an occasional certified humane pastured-raise egg if my body truly needed it. I got rid of labels and just learned to listen to my own body, instead of everyone else.

My depression got better, I was happy, motivated, sleeping well, and felt like my old self again. But it didn’t last long. Until five minutes ago when I had the most wonderful phone conversation with my mom, I had been in my darkest place yet. At the local community college, tredging through, pretending I was ok. My parents had no idea that for the last three weeks on my “way to school” I really pulled over in a parking lot en route and just balle my eyes out. I haven’t slept in those three weeks or gone to class. I tried. I tried so hard, but couldn’t make myself. I turned to food again, to quell the guilt and anxiety. I have been binging on sweet, indulgent, creamy food that temporarily made me feel better, only to have the opiate-like effects wear off in an hour and desperately needing a distraction from the misery of my routine that I did it again. I didn’t even make the connection, between food and school until yesterday to be quite frank. Why yesterday? I was about to leave for class so I had breakfast, which turned into our whole fridge and half our pantry and I finally purged. I just could not breathe I was so stuffed. After five and a half months I had “failed.”

This type of school is not for me. It is an hour drive both ways, filled with the most insane and ludicrous people, a fair amount of inept professor’s, and quite frankly I just HATED it. I was waking up every week day dreading the day ahead. It got so bad I have developed horrible GI problems and literally everything I eat makes me bloat and doesn’t sit right or get digested; because my sympathetic nervous sytem is ALWAYS going, not giving my enteric nervous sytem a chance to digest! My anxiety is all day and every day.

I have decided to do what my heart wants. What makes me excited to wake up and learn about every day. I still feel like a failure. Not because school isn’t for me, as much as the fact that I know when I tell my father he will be so disapointed. He is the most inspiring and wonderful man who has given me more than I could ever want and need, but he is a traditionalist and I know he will be embarrassed and furious for me withdrawing. I feel like a failure because my depression is bigger than the drive and desire to make him proud. I feel like a failure for not sticking it out for him. I hope one day to make him proud and to be makong things easier on them, not harder.

And in this moment that I feel like I have failed my dad, I must practice ahimsa towards myself.

Why Do We Fear Food?

Food is becoming much more than something to enjoy with friends ad family or nourish our bodies. It has become something to analyze, calculate, stress over, etc.

We know obesity rates are climbing along with many ailments that precede them such as heart disease, diabetes, and hypertension. On the other end, eating disorders are at an all time high as well. With all this new info and the “knowledge” we are learning to “perfect” our diets, shouldn’t people be moving away from the extreme ends of the spectrum, landing somewhere happily in the middle?

Let’s break it down, shall we?

First of all “Corporate America” (I feel like Hyde on That 70’s Show!) is making you sick. They big names like Kraft make loads of money, you get sick, and now the pharmaceutical industry is making even more off you. Certain medications are so expensive that debt is inevitable. That’s also why they love the diet industry. They are feeding you artificial ingredients, preservatives, fillers, etc. Not to mention, when you are dieting you are stressed, which is way worse for you than eating the damned cupcake. Not that eating something bad will kill you or result in immediate disease/weight gain/etc, but if it comprises most of your diet then you are nutrient void which is a whole host of other problems. Did you know Obama past a law supporting Monsanto and GMO’s while putting the spotlight on gay marriage and abortion?

As a plant-based eater I’m telling you scientifically, meat des not kill you, dairy does not kill you, wheat does not kill you. The stress you impose on yourself will kill you much faster. If you are constantly stressed or have anxiety your body will produce cortisol, which can make you gain weight and cause many hormonal imbalances, it keeps your body in fight or flight mode meaning your enteric and parasympathetic nervous systems never get a chance to “rest and digest” and you can have a host of digestive issues, nutrient mal-absorption, cravings, etc.

Oh, but you’re a clean eating vegan, or perhaps paleo? Maybe even dairy, grain, sugar, salt, fun free? Ok, but you are still avoiding a whole host of nutrients. What is the purpose in restricting your diet? Perfect health? There is no such thing. I’m veg for ethical reasons and gave up meat when I was 8. After letting go of my food rules and letting myself have gluten, sugar, whatever, I realized I just did not want meat in my diet even as a college student. Guess what else happened to my weight? NOTHING! Blasphemy, you say? When I gave up caring and just realized that my body had much more common sense than my head, my digestion got better. I was no longer eating so much salad I got nauseous, I no longer binged, I no longer stressed, and my digestion  and my bloodwork has never been better or more stable.

I don’t care if you read some book claiming that a raw diet cured cancer. We are all so different on a genetic level, why would someone else’s exact regime work for you when you are not that person? Unless you have a legitimate food allergy or intolerance, avoiding foods causes more harm than good. Not to mention, it all goes back to the “Big Wigs.” They have made trillions of dollars on niche diets that create new product margins. GF baked goods, raw kale chips, grain free muffin mixes, sugar free pudding, dairy free ice cream. These are new products and scaring you into thinking the other stuff is bad for you makes them money.

So try it; eat the damn cupcake. You’ll thank me, I promise.

*Disclaimer: I am NOT talking about true intolerances or allergies or ethics! Just the majority of people who feel the need to crunch numbers, micro and macronutrients, etc. 🙂

I Will What I Want

Not exactly a novel idea right? Yet it seems to be something we (myself included) forget. “Ugh, this is impossible, I’ll always be this way. I can’t overcome it.” Well gee, not with that attitude my friend!

I genuinely believe we can make things harder or easier on ourselves just by our outlook on it. If you decide it’s going to be impossible to love yourself and just give up on positive body image, you’ve nailed your coffin as far as I’m concerned.

I recently hung out with a friend who has suffered from depression and her own ED (strictly anorexia.) We have been friends since sophomore year of high school when we both became “home-schooled” and try as we might, we just clash. We used to clash because we fed off of each other. We were both drastically underweight and in the midst of exercise and food comparison. Now, after all these years, we still clash. Why? Because I may still have leaps and bound to go until I’m completely free of my shackles, but I am nowhere near where I used to be. She is. She is exactly as she was all of those years ago. She avoids food, is always hanging out away from home so that she cannot eat, and exercising to burn calories. She even said to me, “I know this is something I’ll just always have. Jesus gave me this and I must always live with it.” Excuses. Nothing makes me more upset than excuses. It shocked me how, as a devoted Christian, she used the Lord as an excuse to let her stop eating any time something minor happened. Because of this, we had to cut ties. I pray for her and still think she’s an amazing person, but to have such a source of negativity and the opposite of what I need in my life right now. Selfish, right? Well it’s about time we are a little selfish. People (I think women especially) feel the need to give and give and put everyone above themselves all the time until we reach a breaking point.

But guess what? Unlike my friend I refuse to believe I can’t beat this and I refuse the idea that I must always live with this. I get so down on myself sometimes when I have skipped exercise for a week and been a hermit and maybe overate way too much, but that doesn’t help me move forward. I look back and remember that girl I was. I remember being afraid my heart would stop beating in the middle of the night and I’d never see my family again. I remember sobbing and profusely apologizing to God for wasting so many blessings on me.

But I’m not her. I have lasting health effects from knowing her. I am a completely different person thanks to her. Someone I’m proud of. I definitely still struggle with self-love and feeling worthy but I have come so far and am so grateful for the journey. I remember feeling like I could never change but day by day, small changes would happen. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and realized I made me feel this way, no one else did. I decided that the fight was worth it and that I was going all in; And guess what? I’m winning.

Decide. Right now. I want you to decide that you are worth it, your life is so worth it. It is hard but it is possible and damn it is an amazing world. One that you can’t enjoy with your friend Ana tagging along. She’s a party pooper, the one judging you from the corner of the party bus by herself. She doesn’t want to go on the journey with you and thank God for that, kick her off at the next stop and party on my friends. Because you are so worth it. You are beautiful and funny and intelligent and so so special. No one else can be you, how freaking cool is that?! Just decide. That’s all you have to do.

Sorry this turned into a rambly post! I just had a lot of random thoughts come to mind after seeing my old friend. And with that, I encourage you to read the much wittier, funnier, and eloquent Snack Therapy’s post Worth the Weight.

The Number 1 Best Diet Advice!

…STOP believing everyone else’s diet advice!

Seriously.

(Disclaimer: This is about to be a rant.)

Last night I was scrolling on FB, ya know because once you’re in college it’s cool again, and I saw an old acquaintance posted one of those articles that fill up 80% of my newsfeed. 44 Ways to Look Better and Get in Shape Now. I kid you not. This was written by a young girl who was a passionate vegan and health fanatic. Great. I’m genuinely happy you have an interest in health, fitness, well-being, whatever! But this article had SO may false things in it I cringed reading it. Rolled my eyes and felt two things; 1) Thank God I’m not gullible enough to believe everything I read anymore. 2) I am so angry/upset for the girls (and guys!) reading who felt they were getting genuinely good advice, such as my old acquaintance. I love that health is “In” right now and more valuable than a pair of Louboutin’s but why, why, and WHY does everyone feel the need to throw their two cents in!? If you are not a registered dietician, personal trainer, microbiologist, anatomy major (? that’s totally not a thing is it), have scientific research and studies to back up what you’re saying, THEN DON’T SAY IT!

Here is what I DO know as a dietetic major  (I’m not including anything about exercise because that’s not my specialty and I am not including certain specifics that I have not studied yet in my RD coursework. Why? Because I’m not qualified and only know what works for me!)

1. Sleep. Seriously. Robyn over at The Real Life RD will tell you, if you do not have adequate sleep so many hormones are thrown off, even if it’s one night. So why oh why would you try to eat less or exercise and stress out your body and endocrine system even more if you haven’t gotten such a basic necessity? Let’s face it, if you’re tired, you probably won’t have a great workout anyways. Also, I eat MORE when I’m tired or sick because you’re body is fighting to keep things balanced and needs approximately 7% more energy (CALORIES) to fight off anything attacking the immune system and trying to maintain homeostasis.

2. Do Not Deprive Yourself. This almost always leads to binge-like behaviors and if it doesn’t immediately, it will. I don’t care if you’re good at restricting yourself right now and for the passed four months you haven’t touched chocolate or fries or whatever you think it really “derailing your progress.” I know better than anyone (AND studies have PROVEN) that the longer you deprive yourself the harder and stronger the binge-tendencies come. It is a vicious cycle.

3. Eat Enough. It’s funny; Years ago when I was in recovery for my ED and I finally started eating ore and more I lost weight first. I finally turned on my metabolism and even eating over 3,500-5,000 calories a day (gradual build-up! talk to an RD for how to do this safely and properly) I wasn’t gaining weight and that is WITHOUT exercise! No I easily eat 2-3 times as much as my friends, have more energy, and am not overweight. When you give your body energy constantly it realizes it can use and expend the energy. If you are under-eating even a little bit constantly your metabolism will start holding on to everything and slow down to preserve homeostasis and keep your organs running.

4. Don’t Cut Out A Macro Group! Why people think this is a good idea is always beyond me. Carbs give us energy, protein replenishes muscles, fat slows down the sugar being released into the blood stream and 80% of your organs are made of fat. Your brain literally can’t function properly without it. Lipids compose 40% of the organic matter in your body! Plus it keeps your heart healthy, nails strong, and hair shiny!

5. There is no one way. I know people who are satisfied eating one dessert a week, I need at least a little bit of chocolate every day to stay sane. After 5 years of veganism I had to give it up because it just wasn’t healthy for me. Statistically very few people can maintain a strictly vegan diet long-term healthfully (which I hate as I turned for ethical reasons, so I get it, it’s hard! But you have to listen to your body, it knows best!) I could never give up grains, but if being paleo feels good to you, go for it. I personally don’t like labels, they feel restrictive and make it a part of who you are. You are NOT your diet. Stop believing what everyone else says and do what your body tells you to do, it’s really smart, I promise.

6. Focus foods. This is another one Robyn hits perfectly. I don’t tell myself I can’t have a certain food. Two days ago I ate the most insane cupcake, that’s an out of focus food. Most of the time my body craves “clean” foods like veggies and beans but when I want a cupcake, I’m getting the damn cupcake!

So? Thoughts? What do you think about the sudden influx in nutrition experts taking over the internet?

Spread the Love!

I just wanted to do a sort of blog roll of the blogs I find that are not only not triggering, but help me realize balance is attainable (and different even for all of these amazing women!)

Snack Therapy Oh my gosh I love this lady. She says all the things I want to, but funnier, wittier, and just plain better. Just look through some of her hilarious yet true and empowering posts and you’ll laugh and cry and just feel amazing.

PB Fingers Julie is awesome and I have been reading her blog since 2010. She relatable, so sweet, incredibly creative, and healthy. Like for real healthy. She exercises and loves veggies but is not afraid to eat some cheesecake/ice cream/mac and cheese/whatever the hell she wants! She is beautiful inside and out and I love her upbeat attitude and crafty ideas. Also super weird? I lived in NC for 12 years and she lived in FL. She moved to NC and I moved to FL in the same month! SO weird! I love looking at her old blog posts and new ones and realizing I am in both of those areas all the time, it’s fun!

A Healthy Slice of Life: Okay, so I’m not a mom, but I love reading her funny little tidbits and healthy living posts. She is so honest and relatable and her daughters? Absolutely beautiful! I love her posts about her kids oddly enough! (Probably because I just love kids and she is a wonderful writer!)

The Londoner: Ahhh Rosie. This girl appears to live the dream and yet she is so magnetizing/friendly/witty/funny that you aren’t jealous or despising he for living some wildly awesome life. She doesn’t act superior and she is upfront and honest. Her fashion kills me, it is so on point and amazing and the photography is just stunning.

Hummusapien: Alexis is a really amazing RD who is blazing trails. She inspires me in my field of study (also dietetics) to think bigger and more creatively. She is also realistic. She indulges in moderation and doesn’t beat herself up if she misses a workout or eats some ice cream. She’s a total babe and hilarious writer. My only gripe is that as someone who is transitioning away from veganism after 4 years of feeling just sick on the diet, she is super pro vegan. I just don’t believe the same diet works for everyone. She doesn’t shove it down your throat though and isn’t a full vegan herself.

The Real Life RD: Pretty much the same deal as far as being an RD and pushing the vegan thing. I think it is just harder for me because I loved the ethics of this lifestyle and miss it and still struggle not being a vegan. She also will eat eggs or dairy once in a while and isn’t preachy but definitely advocates mostly plants! I adore her heartfelt posts on self-love, the misconception that we need to eat less and move more all the time and other myth-busting posts. She’s a totally superstar who’s back in school , running her nutrition business, and her blog; Somehow she still makes time for relaxing, food prep, and friends and it is totally inspiring.

Bleubird Blog: This is such a wonderful family blog with beautiful pictures and the most gorgeous family! I’ve followed it for a few years and love the different post styles she does!

Basically all of these women do what is best for them and live their life according to how they feel happy and balanced. They’re all so different but awesome and I’ve loved watching some of their blogs take off over the years! Give ’em a click!

Enough is Enough

I think everyone has that moment. That desperate, “I just cannot take this anymore.” Are you strong or stupid if you keep pushing past this limit?

I used to think I was being strong and independent when I tried to deal with my ED by myself. Even now, I have been purge free for 3 months, I struggle with binging. My natural hunger cues have just never come back and I definitely fell into depression moving home with my parents, at community college for a semester with like two friends around, dealing with this new (and ever expanding) body I’m in. I still hate myself, like all the time. I put on this façade that I’m great, happy, confident, self-love and body-acceptance. And I am. But for some reason it applies to any and everyone but me! I still stare and hate myself. I pick apart every little piece of myself. “God, could my thighs be any bigger, why are my boobs so small, why am I so short, why is the shape of my face so chubby/rectangular, why are my eyes so small and brown,” it goes on and on every day.

And so every day I obsess. I obsess over food and fitness and my flaws and everyone else’s lack of flaws. I am a child of God and believe He made everyone perfectly in His divine image and yet, I can’t convince myself that the same is true for me. I still compare myself to other women, especially the sickly skinny ones whom I can tell are crawling in their skin with their own self-depreciation and I get jealous. No really, I get upset that I no longer weigh seventy-something pounds, have chunks of hair falling out of my scalp, am constantly freezing, angry, dizzy, and emotional. Apparently it is worth it to me. At least I would look good in clothes and be fashionable again, because apparently in my new body I can only wear leggings and t-shirts, though I love stalking fashion blogs and sites. So I restrict and binge and obsess and am still paralyzed by my orthorexic tendencies. I pride myself on days I subside on fruits, vegetables, and raw chocolate only.

This is a real illness my friends. This is something I comprehend and try to change every day and still cannot convince myself that I have an ounce of worth. Because of this I have decided I will be going to an in-patient facility at the end of the semester. I never went during my anorexia, bulimia, orthorexia, exercise addiction cycles but this new depression that has accompanied the orthorexia and now binging is too great a burden to bare. I can’t fix myself. My parents have tried what they can but like anyone, they have their own issues. They don’t know what to do or how to help; even I don’t at this phase. Therapy isn’t helpful anymore.

My point is that I may hate myself, but I value the life God gave me and will not waste it any longer. I have been blessed with immeasurable gifts and graces and love and will not waste the gifts I have on this Earth. I will do what I have to in order to recover and become the successful and positive woman I am capable of.

Tips:

• Tell someone. This is so scary, I know. But the people that love you just want to help. They will not judge you and will support you.
• See a dietician/therapist (I had both for 3.5 years during my weight restoration and recovery) I think this is vital. I have friends with ED’s who are exactly where they were 4 years ago because they honestly think they’re ok.
• Find a healthy way to cope. Knitting, tennis, piano, my dogs, work. This is how I cope. Find what distracts/helps you.
• Delete social media. Seriously the biggest thing in my opinion! Especially Instagram! All it is is bloggers and thinspos and fitspos and beauty and unnattainable leisure. How do you NOT compare yourself?! One thing I firmly believe is bio-individuality. We all need different amounts and types of food, exercise, rest, etc. This helped immensely in recovery from anorexia and bulimia for me (and especially exercise addiction.)
• Do you need to go to a resident facility? I do, ad I’m excited. No really, I researched this place, called them and talked to them and feel confident in their values and approach. Google ED treatment facilities in your state and do some research. Think you can’t afford it? I bet you can! I am a college student and have parents going through a pricey divorce and my sister just had a baby($). I get it, but check with the facility about which insurances they take. Most of these facilities want  you there and take a lot of different policies and agencies. They want you to get better and work hard to make it affordable.

This ended up being a random and very rambly post so I apologize! But these tips are truly what have helped me come as far as I have! Wishing you all love, light, and happiness! You deserve the best!

Natural Hair Care

I have crazy hair. No, really, it’s insane. All my friends have beautiful and shiny hair and I look like Bozo the clown after getting electrocuted! My hair won’t even grow much passed my shoulders. With that said, I have finally found hair care products that are cruelty free, natural, and WORK! And trust me, I’ve been through the ringer looking for over 5 years (that’s when I got all hippy (; )

So if you’re hair is on the coarse, wavy/curly hair with frizz and volume these products are for you! (Note: my mom has thin, silky, flat hair -we are opposites, thanks dad!- and I have found products for her as well finally which I will doo a different post on!)

Shampoo: Acure Everyday Clarifying Shampoo

Cost: $9.99 (To me this is affordable in comparison to a lot of what is on the market these days, natural or not)

Found: I consider myself a Whole Foods Expert and every single one of the 16 Whole Foods I have been to across the country carries Acure. You can also buy it online though.

Why do I love it? I wash my hair every 3(ish) days. It is perfectly fine until it isn’t. When I need a wash, I need to wash it because it suddenly becomes greasy. I love this shampoo as it totally lathers, makes my scalp feel amazing, but isn’t too harsh like some clarifying shampoos I’ve mentioned. Note: Nature’s Gate makes a fabulous and strong lemon clarifying shampoo that I use once every other month but it is much too harsh to use every time.) It has lemongrass, argan stem cell, keratin and is safe for color treated hair (me!), vegan, gf, sulfate free, paraben and phthalate free, it is 100% biodegradable, AND NO FRAGRANCES! It’s basically a God send!

Conditioner: Acure Moroccan Stem Cell and Argan Oil

Cost: $9.99 Again, some hair care costs upwards of like $50 these days! Even some at CVS and Walgreens can cost 20-30 bucks!

Found: Same as shampoo, gotta love WFM!

So why do I love it? It is so moisturizing and eliminates frizz without leaving me oily/greasy. I am not sure why but conditioners are always too thick for me and make my hair nasty or they just don’t moisturize my hair!

 

I don’t wash my hair but two or three times a week in the winter and I always use a thick wide-toothed comb in the shower when rinsing out my conditioner. When I get out of the shower, if I’ve used heat on my hair or I’m going to use heat I put a very small amount of almond and avocado oil blend on my tips.

That’s what works for me, but I wanna know y’alls tricks of the trade!

Old Habits Die Hard

And sometimes they kill you with them.

Cryptic? Yes. Harsh? Yes. I firmly believe that it is necessary at times.

So I’ve been binging lately. Every. Single. Night. I will be perfectly fine all day and then eat upwards of 3000 calories between 8–10 pm. I then feel disgusting and have to stay up until like 4 am so that my stomach feels at least half way settled and I can sleep. Now, before I get “Well, maybe it’s physiological and you aren’t giving yourself enough food during the day/ Maybe you aren’t meant to be vegan.” I see a dietician and she has even told me I’m eating over 3 times what most girls my age eat, although I have a high metabolism, 5-7,000 calories a day is way too much for me especially as I haven’t found my groove with exercise again.

Back story (I was anorexic and addicted to exercise from 9th-10th grade, anorexic/bulimic 11th and half of 12th grade, and then finally just fell into a horrible binge, purge, restrict cycle until October of this year. All four and a half years orthorexia has plagued me.

So what should I do? Should I start taking detox this, laxative that, and purging? Should I become anorexic again? No, of course not. Although I crawl in my skin and am mortified and embarrassed about these things, becoming who I used to be serves me no purpose. Even as tempting as my old “safety nets” are, I am reminded that I am strong enough not to need those, no matter how hard this current struggle may be. On that note, I have the utmost respect for anyone full-heartedly battling an ED, especially once weight is restored. Many outsiders think that you are fine and happy and “normal” again; they don’t realize that once you stop physically manifesting your self-hatred, you must deal with it at a psychological level and deal with being so uncomfortable in your skin. I am mentally having way bigger battles than when I was anorexic and addicted to exercise!

When you find yourself in these positions and you want to let ED win, I hope these things help you.

1. Look at how far you have come. Seriously, I self-reflect frequently and when I see other people struggling and having certain thoughts, I vaguely remember having those feelings, but can no longer relate. I am a completely different person, and I’ve started to become someone I actually like. I had to fight to get to where I am and I sure as hell am not throwing my hard work away, even if I have gained some extra pounds.

2. It isn’t permanent. Are you stuck in a binge cycle like me? Have you gained some extra weight you don’t really need? Love yourself anyways. You CAN lose the weight a healthy way, but don’t obsess. Getting angry with yourself only perpetuates the problem. Even when I battled bulimia, my weight would go up with those behaviors because even though I got rid of my binges, I still had to eat after to recover and restore, plus my metabolism was so screwed up from it!

3. Old habits can kill. In early October I purged again for the first time in a long time. Well, my body wasn’t used to it anymore and I ended up in the hospital with a sodium level only 2 notches away from me slipping into a coma, having a seizure, or dying. Even when I hated myself most, I never had a death wish and after mistreating my body for so long thinking I was fine, I got a reality check.

4. Think of what you’ve already had to miss out on because of your ED! I had to give up friends, my memory (no really, when you’re body isn’t getting enough fuel it damages your brain and often-times your memory), my biggest passion in life (dance), my relationship with my family was awful, my grades suffered, I will never be the athlete I was due to the lasting physical complications it has left me with, and most importantly time. I gave up most of my volunteering, I never felt well and missed school frequently, I have very few close friends, I lost dance, I lost my teenage years. I refuse to lose my college years. The root of an ED is not superficial, but the end product is and it is not worth it to me to lose the one life I was granted so that I can look a certain way.

5. Who or what motivates you? God is a huge part of my life. Maybe you don’t believe in God and that is ok, but he is my rock and savior and I could feel his presence and love whenever I cried out to him helpless and hopeless because my family just didn’t understand. I repeat to myself, “Let go and let God,” any time I am distressed because I know I can recover even further from this orthorexia and binging. I want to be my best for my family and now that I have a niece, I need to be my best for her. Her presence has given me this love and light that I couldn’t even expect and I want so many things for her, including for her to be a strong woman who loves herself and knows her worth. How can I teach her that if I do not resemble that?

6. The last thing I envision, are all the awesome things you get once you do let go. I have so much more energy, I am back to being someone who doesn’t get sick often. I have way more friends now and deeper relationships with them. I went out for lunch this week with a dear friend and it still scared me to eat the sandwich I did in all of its toasted sourdough glory. I didn’t know all the ingredients, and I lived to tell the tale. I want to do things! I have hobbies again and don’t spend all day in bed on my phone or computer. I can date now. I was so self-conscious and thought that no one would want me because he would see my flaws and hold them over my head. I still have fears that I won’t be good enough for someone but it is much more manageable.

7. Get off of social media. Seriously, I took a 1.5 year hiatus and it is the best thing you can do. All the fitspirations and thinspirations with their abs and vacations and perfect eating is ridiculous and causes insane comparison. You are spending your life watching someone elses. Not to mention everyone preaches something different whether it’s paleo, vegan, 80/10/10 (psychos in my mind), raw, sugar free, grain free, the air diet, whatever! They swear their way is the best way and you know what? It might be, for them. Or they’re a load of crap getting paid to promote something and you’re falling prey to consumerism. Who knows! Point is, take a break and figure out what works FOR YOU.

Wow that got wordier than I expected, so if you’re still with me just remember, YOU ARE HUMAN! We are perfectly imperfect and (I believe) we are made in God’s Divine Image. You are you for a reason and that’s pretty freaking cool if you ask me.

What about you guys? Any tips to help stay on the road to recovery?

An American Paradox

So if you live in the States, you might’ve noticed the insane health craze going on. It is so ironic to me that a country so obsessed with being healthy is so unhealthy. A shockingly small percentage of America is not overweight or underweight. Why are we so extreme? All you hear about today is obesity and eating disorders! Even some people who maintain a healthy weight (for THEM, bio-individuality my friends) and doesn’t have a classified ED have disordered thoughts about eating, exercising, and “health.”

Let’s look at the facts. We are in a country that demonizes certain things. Some despise fats, some love them. Other people hate carbs or bread or animal products or think too much fruit is bad. I mean there are so many diets and they all contradict. So what’s a girl to do?

KISS! Keep it simple stupid!

1. Europeans are envied in our country. How can they be so slim but eat butter and croissants and all these incredible things? They are eating intuitively. They listen to their bodies and eat real food. They go out one night and have a burger and fries and damn that milkshake was too creamy to pass up. No biggie, they eat it and next time they are hungry, they’re probably craving a salad or something lighter! Our body needs a bit of everything and cutting something out may temporarily work, but it wreaks havoc on your body and on cortisol levels. Also reference babies; they cry when they are hungry, eat/drink until they are full and get on with their day being all cute and smelly.

2. Which brings me to my next point. You stressing out about some indulgent and delicious thing you just ate is worse for you than actually eating it. Our bodies are incredibly smart but when they get stressed, cortisol levels rise and if you are already stressed about kids, work, life, school, etc., the last thing you need is to add more worry on top of that about FOOD! STOP associating food with guilt! It is something our bodies need, it is nourishment and energy!

3. Butter and bread nourished generations before us, so why are they so demonized now? Well, because it creates a market. Those gluten free bagels you’re noshing on are making a company big bucks (this is not regarding celiacs, but realize, celiacs disease affects less than 1% of the population.) The second reason is the source these days. The USA has unfortunately been promoting GMO’s and companies like Monsanto are taking over (thanks Obama!) and infiltrating our crops. This is a whole other post, but GMO’s are bad, good nourishing whole foods are not.

4. BIO-INDI-FREAKING-VIDUALITY! We.are.all.different. You can try and look like a friend/model/figment of your imagination but there is no point. I have had friends that always ask me what I have eaten that day and when I tell them, they’re amazed. What doesn’t seem like a lot of food to me is about 2-3 times what most of them eat (and I’m the shortest one.) This used to bother me so much and I tried cutting back to what they ate. Guess where that got me? Dizzy, angry, and unproductive and it definitely wouldn’t have helped weight loss efforts if that was the goal!

“Comparison is the thief of joy,” Theodore Roosevelt

 

link for pictures:

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.womenshealthnetwork.com%2Fimages%2Farticles%2Fstressfat.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.womenshealthnetwork.com%2Fadrenal-fatigue-and-stress%2Fadrenal-glands-and-stress-can-cause-weight-gain.aspx&h=200&w=560&tbnid=vnrAdyKBewEmjM%3A&zoom=1&docid=quKIgGux6huiyM&ei=K96ZVOv6B42FNp6XgOgK&tbm=isch&ved=0CCQQMygIMAg&iact=rc&uact=3&dur=1216&page=1&start=0&ndsp=40